Getting off the sidelines of life ...

Letting the unorganized post begin …. Don’t run away they won’t all be this long or heavy. I do hope what I share today blesses you in some way.

19 February 2009

Today I stop waiting for my life to begin again . . . stop continually longing for where I was and try harder to embrace where I am.

As crazy as it sounds, I feel at times as if I’m in an alter reality. Reading a journal entry from October 28, 2008, the one year anniversary of Karen’s passing, I wrote down three times:

I AM A WIDOWER
I AM A WIDOWER
I AM A WIDOWER

A note below that read:

HELLO, it’s been a year you should know that by now!!!

Back to the present, it’s now been 480 days that I’ve been a widower and I embrace it fully today. Today I choose to completely accept my life as it is right now. I’ve written these words down and placed them where I will see them with each new day. I pray they will serve as a reminder to persevere.

Honestly reflecting over the time since Karen’s passing, I see where I’ve just been hanging out waiting for a wife to complete me again so my life could begin again. I’m not living the life I was before she passed. I love to entertain people in my home, love to travel, work in my yard, play hard with my children and help others. I’ve done very little of that.

I don’t hunt, fish, golf, watch sports but I do thoroughly enjoy working in the yard. To get the stresses of life to wash away I just need to go play in the yard.

A few years ago, I installed a picture window above the sink in the kitchen. My favorite view was walking up to that window to look in at Karen. She loved to bake so she was often in the kitchen. Looking in and having her look up and flash a smile was always a highlight for me. I realized the other day as I looked out over the yard (in major disrepair) I was on the wrong side of the window. Going outside to look in hurt and made me realize that it wasn’t because I didn’t have the time to go play in the yard, I didn’t want to because when I looked back in she would not be there to smile back at me.

Well, that led to more introspection. I am half of a whole. Strange because I was whole before marriage and after marriage I became one flesh with Karen; one half of a larger whole. In Karen’s absence the pain is having the whole ripped in half, leaving gaping wounds and sorrow with seemingly only fleeting moments of joy. I’ve not been seeking to heal and move forward from where I am, rather seeking ways to heal and get back to a whole again.

I know my relationship to God is more important than any other however it is functioning as half of a whole that has consumed an unhealthy portion of my life since Karen’s passing. As fallen sinners we tend to allow all sorts of things to enter our hearts to fill those empty spaces. It could be drugs, alcohol, food, affairs and now I add longing for the past to be again. No I don’t feel I’m sinning by allowing Karen’s memory to fill empty spaces but if I don’t keep it in perspective in light of eternity then I believe I could and that would be as wrong as filling up the voids in my life with any other destructive behavior.

I do long to be and believe I will someday marry again, but I am a fool if I think marriage again is what will bring back “my life”. Just imagine my second wife’s road to hold if I don’t allow God to heal me into a whole again before I marry if that (marriage) is to happen at all.

Of course I will painfully miss my truest and dearest friend at times going forward and I still will stop and enjoy trips down memory lane. The difference now is I will endeavor to spend more of my “thinking time” on what God has in store for me right now, where I am now, as opposed to where I was or where I want to be tomorrow.

Today, I am a widower, a single parent of five children and I’m choosing to stop passively waiting for "my life” to begin again … this is my life … and it is a wonderful life.

Dear Family and Friends,

A quick note to say the children and I are well. I’m officially giving up trying to post to the blog in a sequential order of our lives since Karen’s passing. To all who know me well enough you realize what a huge change that is for me. I like extreme order around me and struggle when something gets out of sync.

I’m learning to live in organized chaos and the blog should be no different. As I shared in an earlier post, I lost the device that held my sequentially organized thoughts to be shared on the blog. I realize now if I wait until I get it all organized again it may not happen. So it’s unorganized post or no post.

Going forward you can expect to see regular (a least 2 times a month) updates to the blog but they won’t necessarily be in any discernable order. I’m just going to post on the fly. Even as I type that it sends shivers down my spine.

Let the unorganized posts begin!

Darren

How are you doing?

Thank you to all who have written me regarding my most recent post, it is very encouraging to know how many still think of my family often and pray for us. I feel compelled to speak to those who have contacted me concerned for my mental and emotional health.

How are you doing?

I’ve learned that there are two answers to that question sometimes. The truth and what people expect to hear. Most people we come in touch with are looking for “I’m fine” and bug out a bit if you give anything but that answer.

Don’t worry! Pray! I am fine, not hopeless, not going off the deep end. I know God is control.

HOWEVER

I am sad, heartbroken and struggling with what now Lord? How now Lord? Just being honest with how I FEEL. How I feel and the actions I take are very opposite things right now. I don’t feel like getting out of the bed, interacting with others, shaving, showering, washing clothes, making my bed, paying the bills, you name it. If it involves anything other than staying in my little hole emotionally I’m not interested.

My ACTIONS however come from what I know to be good and right regardless of how I feel. So do not worry, I’m okay but I could use your prayers though and if my honest post encouraged that then it was worth all the worried looks and emails I’m getting.

I’d like to share a song in the link below that somewhat describes the season of grief and struggle that I am in right now and how I’m attempting to lead my heart to sing anyway …