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22 December 2008

I stayed up instead of sleeping after working all night at Delta. I wanted to go out with the children to pick up tree to be part of our Christmas celebration. I must admit I’ve just not been in a space where I could to do this as I know it would mean another set of emotions to deal with at a time when I’m already feeling pretty low. One of those low’s I just can’t shake, which is unusual for me, but I’ve decided it is just best to go with it and stop fighting it with empty smiles.

The children have seen more emotion and lack of emotional control in me over the past few weeks than at anytime since Karen’s passing. I think it is because I’m nearing the end of things to process and I simply have no desire to move on. By things to process I mean it has been a long year of going through closets, drawers, shelves, corners, glove boxes, etcetera each with another wave of emotions to process. The last of those places is the box of Christmas decorations all with a story and Karen’s bedside table, neither of which has been touched since her passing.

The three oldest children have picked up on the emotional triggers and lead the younger two children away from questions of how and even if we are going to celebrate Christmas this year. Many people have said to me since Karen’s passing, “I don’t know how you do it, especially with 5 children.” My reply is quick and easy, “I don’t know how I could do this without the children”.

We had a good time going to get a tree and were extremely pleased to pick up a $65 dollar tree for $15 bucks! J.D. exclaimed to all who could hear, “Well that’s one advantage to waiting so late to buy a tree!” From there we went to the Dollar Tree so the children could go shopping. They’ve done this for many years and look forward to the freedom that is afforded them as they make their own lists, money, and move around the store without being right next to a grown up (expect for Rachel and Zachary at this point I still don’t feel comfortable have them out of my sight). I’ve never done this with them and once I got over my neat freak tendencies (there was stuff every where, floor, wrong aisles, busted open packages, etcetera) I enjoyed watching the children move up and down the aisles thinking of others.

Back home the tree was sitting in the driveway just as the shop owner promised (that’s right even delivered for $15!). It was very cold outside (19 degrees) which may seem normal winter temperatures to some but for us that is very cold. I really didn’t want to go back outside and get the tree ready for the stand but how could I say no to those little faces?

Outside we went while J.D. made dinner and after some challenges with the stand (or just an overtired dad) the tree was up. After dinner, I sat down in the recliner and that was it, Dad was done and bed time couldn’t come soon enough for me.

Now, the question from the children, “What are we going to do tomorrow?” That question annoys me because after they go to bed there is still a lot of today left for me. Tonight, I reflected on it with more patience. I get it Lord, a perfect example of another reason why we must become like little children, always expectant of the new day full of wonder and hope.

If Tomorrow Never Comes . . .

If I knew it would be the last time
that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly,
and pray the Lord your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I'd see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss,
and call you back for just one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would tape each word and action,
and play them back throughout my days
If I knew it would be the last time,
I would spare an extra minute or two,
To stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you know I do.

So, just in case tomorrow never comes,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you,
and I hope we never will forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So, if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
And you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
That you love them very much,
and you'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say
"I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

By Norma Marek

I’ve been holding off on posting for a while because my heart is deeply saddened. I miss my best friend. I miss being a husband. I miss what was and can not be again. I feel alone even in a crowd. If it were not for the children and the need to work I would be content to simply withdraw from everything. Lord, can this be as You intended?

I know that ALL THINGS work together for good for them that love God, but when I look at my children … when I think of where I am now as opposed to where I was … when I survey the world around me … I believe. Help Thou my unbelief …

The words to this song are particularly poignant to me. I first heard this song at a concert with Karen in 1990 when I was very young in my faith. It ministered to me then and it did again today.

"Help Thou My Unbelief" By Bill Gaither

I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I take the finite risk of trusting like a child.
I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I walk into the unknown, trusting all the while.

I long so much to feel the warmth that others seem to know.
But should I never feel a thing, I claim Him even so.
I believe. Help thou my unbelief.
I walk into the unknown trusting like a child.