This post is in the reply to the very frank question, I received. What’s up with no posts?
My loss of interest and desire to continue posting as I planned came when the removable drive I had been journaling on was lost or I think more accurately stolen. It represented hours of work as I was transferring thoughts I wrote in my journal into something understandable to post. Thankfully most of it still exists in the pages of my journal but for the most part would only be discernible to me. I’ve begun the task of converting the information again and ask for prayer that I would find the time and energy to go through the process again, if only for my children to have a record of this time in our lives.
Then came Thanksgiving and Christmas the second without Karen and I thought I would breeze through them. WRONG! As I plan to share in future posts (unless another drive disappears or I get called Home – no complaints about the latter) it was tough. Not as tough as the previous but it wasn’t a walk in the park emotionally.
After Christmas, I allowed myself to really wallow in being a widower and all the responsibilities that demand my attention. I threw myself a great big pity party as Karen would say about that space we all get in at times where we feel the world and all that is in it goes against us and everything we attempt. Instead of it being a few hours though, or even a day or two, I’ve allowed it to continue for weeks.
Don’t misunderstand, I still go to work and do a pretty good job, the children are well fed, educated and the house is clean, well for the most part. It’s just that I feel so lonely and sad and the world around me feels so gray.
Not to be too hard on myself I know the hours I work, sleep patterns, and the pressures of single parenting have taken their toll. But if I’m honest the fact that I’ve just let myself go emotionally has put me where I am today. I have allowed (even encouraged) my heart to sorrow.
So there you have it, a whiney not very uplifting but honest outpouring of emotion I am bearing up and hanging on to at this time. I know it will pass if I will allow it. The cold gray will give way to warm color again.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year!
Change we can believe in …
No, this isn’t a plug for or against President – Elect Obama.
4 November 2008
As I stood in line to vote I must admit, who would win the election wasn’t on my mind in the least. Even as those around me bantered playfully and some not so playfully about who the next president should be, my mind was flooded with the thoughts of what I was doing on this very day one year ago. On 4 November 2007, I was preparing to attend Karen’s memorial service. The line to get into the election office inched every so slowly forward, zipping up my coat a little further to keep out the cold, I smiled as I pondered what Karen was doing at that very minute.
Over the next few days as I reflected on the historic election, my thoughts turned to the millions of people who stood in line all over the country to make a choice as to whom they wanted to be their next president. Words of hope and promises of change which are standard words out of nearly every politician’s mouth caused me to think about the gravity of those words. I wondered how many of people in line had made a more important decision than who would be the next president; a decision that can bring the truest hope to the hopeless and is a matter of life and death.
In the time leading to an election in our country, we hold debates, forums, town halls, etcetera all with the intent of learning more about the candidates. The candidate tells you how wonderful they are while their opponent tells you how horrible they are and why you would be better off to elect them.
As I pondered the events leading up the election it made me think what it would look like if I ran for president. Am I good enough? Would my past stand the scrutiny? The answer is no I’m not. This is how I imagine my campaign.
Who am I? I’m not who I was!
Clearly not correct English but the point is that most of you know the man who over the course of Karen’s illness and since has been showered with names like wonderful father, caring husband, thoughtful, amazing man. Let me share now with you what my opponent would tell you if I were running for president. They would run televisions and radio spots telling you about me at a time in my life when thief, liar, alcohol and drug user were accurate descriptions.
In 2008, I turned 36 and the events of the last year have led me to do a great deal of self introspection. I’ve known the Lord for 18 years. Prior to 1990, I was headed down a very different path in life. The pain of my childhood haunted me and I felt life was pointless and hopeless. I knew well the feeling that life was not worth living. Once, I held in my heart and my hand the power and will to end my life. Oh sure, I could claim I came from a dysfunctional family and that gave me a reason to be “all messed up” but really at 17 how could I still blame everything on my childhood?
I could not and I realized it was simply about decisions at that point. I had to choose to finish high school instead of skipping class. I had to choose to lay down destructive behaviors. I did and slowly my life began to turn. I met some great people who invited me to church. I didn’t go at first but eventually I attended church with them.
As I began to regularly attend church I learned more about God. The more I learned the more I wanted to know. Still, with all that I had done in my life, I wasn’t convinced God could forgive me and struggled with my past.
I met and in time completely fell for the girl who became my wife. She, like most of the people around me had no idea of my past. In the summer of 1990 I attended a Christian seminar and the speaker captivated me with his words describing the love of God and His forgiveness. I began to yield my life that day. I say began because it would be months before I could let the light of unconditional love shine completely through my “closet” of stuff.
I started daily laying down the old Darren and picking up the new Darren. One of the greatest compliments given to me came when I worked at Taco Bell in Newnan. A co worker, Jeff, was a few years older than me and in college so we only worked together during the summer and school breaks. I was the shift manager, directly responsible for the store and a handful of employees. I used language that could have made a sailor blush and had an extremely violent temper. I was mean spirited when employees would make mistakes and would publicly ridicule them. Errors would usually cause me to go into a tirade. Unfortunately for Jeff, he and I worked together most everyday.
While he was off at school my life changed drastically. Jeff returned to work at Taco Bell when he was out of school for the winter break. Towards the end of a particularly difficult shift together he came up to me and asked if something was wrong and said whatever it was he liked it. I told him of giving my life over to Christ. I asked Jeff to forgive me for my past behavior and actions towards him. He didn’t say much and shortly after our shift ended.
The next time we worked together he came to me and said, “You have truly scared me twice now.” The first time was the last time we worked together when you flew into a fit of rage and shouted obscenities at me. I thought you were going to punch me right then. The second was the other day when I expected similar behavior and it didn’t occur. Jeff wanted to know more about how I could be so drastically different. I was very pleased to share as my closet was clean. Definitely not clean in the eyes of my opponent or to those who may vote against me because of my past but in the eyes of God in matters of eternity.
Any good you see in me today are tiny glimpses of God shining through me. I still make many mistakes. I’m not a perfect dad; friend, employee and Karen could attest that I wasn’t a perfect husband. My track record indicates I wouldn’t be a perfect president either, but I would do my best. It’s not pretty and probably wouldn’t win me an elected office but it’s all true.
What if you were running for office today? More importantly where do you stand in light of eternity?
What are you hiding? Think you are not good enough? Think what you’ve done is unforgivable? All lies of your greatest opponent. Satan.
Where are you headed? If you want to change directions you can.
Think you are not redeemable? You are.
Jesus Christ paid for every sin. You need only make the choice to leave the old self at the foot of Him. John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that whosoever shall believe in Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life.”
Oh friends, this life is so temporary. Over the course of this past year I have painfully gone through most of Karen’s things. She left everything behind. You too will leave it all behind some day. Where do you think you’ll end up? You can know for sure and no election is needed. What are you waiting for? Make the most important decision of your life today, right now even. Tomorrow may be too late.
As we enter what is shaping up to be a turbulent new year in 2009, I pray that your hope will be in God not man.
No, this isn’t a plug for or against President – Elect Obama.
4 November 2008
As I stood in line to vote I must admit, who would win the election wasn’t on my mind in the least. Even as those around me bantered playfully and some not so playfully about who the next president should be, my mind was flooded with the thoughts of what I was doing on this very day one year ago. On 4 November 2007, I was preparing to attend Karen’s memorial service. The line to get into the election office inched every so slowly forward, zipping up my coat a little further to keep out the cold, I smiled as I pondered what Karen was doing at that very minute.
Over the next few days as I reflected on the historic election, my thoughts turned to the millions of people who stood in line all over the country to make a choice as to whom they wanted to be their next president. Words of hope and promises of change which are standard words out of nearly every politician’s mouth caused me to think about the gravity of those words. I wondered how many of people in line had made a more important decision than who would be the next president; a decision that can bring the truest hope to the hopeless and is a matter of life and death.
In the time leading to an election in our country, we hold debates, forums, town halls, etcetera all with the intent of learning more about the candidates. The candidate tells you how wonderful they are while their opponent tells you how horrible they are and why you would be better off to elect them.
As I pondered the events leading up the election it made me think what it would look like if I ran for president. Am I good enough? Would my past stand the scrutiny? The answer is no I’m not. This is how I imagine my campaign.
Who am I? I’m not who I was!
Clearly not correct English but the point is that most of you know the man who over the course of Karen’s illness and since has been showered with names like wonderful father, caring husband, thoughtful, amazing man. Let me share now with you what my opponent would tell you if I were running for president. They would run televisions and radio spots telling you about me at a time in my life when thief, liar, alcohol and drug user were accurate descriptions.
In 2008, I turned 36 and the events of the last year have led me to do a great deal of self introspection. I’ve known the Lord for 18 years. Prior to 1990, I was headed down a very different path in life. The pain of my childhood haunted me and I felt life was pointless and hopeless. I knew well the feeling that life was not worth living. Once, I held in my heart and my hand the power and will to end my life. Oh sure, I could claim I came from a dysfunctional family and that gave me a reason to be “all messed up” but really at 17 how could I still blame everything on my childhood?
I could not and I realized it was simply about decisions at that point. I had to choose to finish high school instead of skipping class. I had to choose to lay down destructive behaviors. I did and slowly my life began to turn. I met some great people who invited me to church. I didn’t go at first but eventually I attended church with them.
As I began to regularly attend church I learned more about God. The more I learned the more I wanted to know. Still, with all that I had done in my life, I wasn’t convinced God could forgive me and struggled with my past.
I met and in time completely fell for the girl who became my wife. She, like most of the people around me had no idea of my past. In the summer of 1990 I attended a Christian seminar and the speaker captivated me with his words describing the love of God and His forgiveness. I began to yield my life that day. I say began because it would be months before I could let the light of unconditional love shine completely through my “closet” of stuff.
I started daily laying down the old Darren and picking up the new Darren. One of the greatest compliments given to me came when I worked at Taco Bell in Newnan. A co worker, Jeff, was a few years older than me and in college so we only worked together during the summer and school breaks. I was the shift manager, directly responsible for the store and a handful of employees. I used language that could have made a sailor blush and had an extremely violent temper. I was mean spirited when employees would make mistakes and would publicly ridicule them. Errors would usually cause me to go into a tirade. Unfortunately for Jeff, he and I worked together most everyday.
While he was off at school my life changed drastically. Jeff returned to work at Taco Bell when he was out of school for the winter break. Towards the end of a particularly difficult shift together he came up to me and asked if something was wrong and said whatever it was he liked it. I told him of giving my life over to Christ. I asked Jeff to forgive me for my past behavior and actions towards him. He didn’t say much and shortly after our shift ended.
The next time we worked together he came to me and said, “You have truly scared me twice now.” The first time was the last time we worked together when you flew into a fit of rage and shouted obscenities at me. I thought you were going to punch me right then. The second was the other day when I expected similar behavior and it didn’t occur. Jeff wanted to know more about how I could be so drastically different. I was very pleased to share as my closet was clean. Definitely not clean in the eyes of my opponent or to those who may vote against me because of my past but in the eyes of God in matters of eternity.
Any good you see in me today are tiny glimpses of God shining through me. I still make many mistakes. I’m not a perfect dad; friend, employee and Karen could attest that I wasn’t a perfect husband. My track record indicates I wouldn’t be a perfect president either, but I would do my best. It’s not pretty and probably wouldn’t win me an elected office but it’s all true.
What if you were running for office today? More importantly where do you stand in light of eternity?
What are you hiding? Think you are not good enough? Think what you’ve done is unforgivable? All lies of your greatest opponent. Satan.
Where are you headed? If you want to change directions you can.
Think you are not redeemable? You are.
Jesus Christ paid for every sin. You need only make the choice to leave the old self at the foot of Him. John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that whosoever shall believe in Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life.”
Oh friends, this life is so temporary. Over the course of this past year I have painfully gone through most of Karen’s things. She left everything behind. You too will leave it all behind some day. Where do you think you’ll end up? You can know for sure and no election is needed. What are you waiting for? Make the most important decision of your life today, right now even. Tomorrow may be too late.
As we enter what is shaping up to be a turbulent new year in 2009, I pray that your hope will be in God not man.
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