This post is in the reply to the very frank question, I received. What’s up with no posts?
My loss of interest and desire to continue posting as I planned came when the removable drive I had been journaling on was lost or I think more accurately stolen. It represented hours of work as I was transferring thoughts I wrote in my journal into something understandable to post. Thankfully most of it still exists in the pages of my journal but for the most part would only be discernible to me. I’ve begun the task of converting the information again and ask for prayer that I would find the time and energy to go through the process again, if only for my children to have a record of this time in our lives.
Then came Thanksgiving and Christmas the second without Karen and I thought I would breeze through them. WRONG! As I plan to share in future posts (unless another drive disappears or I get called Home – no complaints about the latter) it was tough. Not as tough as the previous but it wasn’t a walk in the park emotionally.
After Christmas, I allowed myself to really wallow in being a widower and all the responsibilities that demand my attention. I threw myself a great big pity party as Karen would say about that space we all get in at times where we feel the world and all that is in it goes against us and everything we attempt. Instead of it being a few hours though, or even a day or two, I’ve allowed it to continue for weeks.
Don’t misunderstand, I still go to work and do a pretty good job, the children are well fed, educated and the house is clean, well for the most part. It’s just that I feel so lonely and sad and the world around me feels so gray.
Not to be too hard on myself I know the hours I work, sleep patterns, and the pressures of single parenting have taken their toll. But if I’m honest the fact that I’ve just let myself go emotionally has put me where I am today. I have allowed (even encouraged) my heart to sorrow.
So there you have it, a whiney not very uplifting but honest outpouring of emotion I am bearing up and hanging on to at this time. I know it will pass if I will allow it. The cold gray will give way to warm color again.
3 comments:
Praying that you will find the warm color again.
Lidia
Hey, you have to allow your heart to grieve in its own time. I am a young cancer widow with 3 children, and it is overwhelming. Most people can never even realize what it feels like, trying to keep up with the demands of a family and a job, all the while being lonely. Before it was like we could tackle everything together, and we always had each other to lean on. I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Your heart wants and needs to grieve. As long as you can find a way to keep moving forward in a positive way, don't be so hard on yourself. (I'm hard on myself too, so I'll try to take this advice also). It is a very sad thing that has happened to my family and yours, and it is only fair you get to throw a pity party once in a while. (I feel one coming on for me!). Just keep doing your best and remember that a neat house and clean laundry are overrated!
Jenni
www.halleyswaronmelanoma.blogspot.com
Thinking of you of you during this hard time!
The Mudge Family
Overland Park, Kansas
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