Learning, laughing, living

22 December 2008

I stayed up instead of sleeping after working all night at Delta. I wanted to go out with the children to pick up tree to be part of our Christmas celebration. I must admit I’ve just not been in a space where I could to do this as I know it would mean another set of emotions to deal with at a time when I’m already feeling pretty low. One of those low’s I just can’t shake, which is unusual for me, but I’ve decided it is just best to go with it and stop fighting it with empty smiles.

The children have seen more emotion and lack of emotional control in me over the past few weeks than at anytime since Karen’s passing. I think it is because I’m nearing the end of things to process and I simply have no desire to move on. By things to process I mean it has been a long year of going through closets, drawers, shelves, corners, glove boxes, etcetera each with another wave of emotions to process. The last of those places is the box of Christmas decorations all with a story and Karen’s bedside table, neither of which has been touched since her passing.

The three oldest children have picked up on the emotional triggers and lead the younger two children away from questions of how and even if we are going to celebrate Christmas this year. Many people have said to me since Karen’s passing, “I don’t know how you do it, especially with 5 children.” My reply is quick and easy, “I don’t know how I could do this without the children”.

We had a good time going to get a tree and were extremely pleased to pick up a $65 dollar tree for $15 bucks! J.D. exclaimed to all who could hear, “Well that’s one advantage to waiting so late to buy a tree!” From there we went to the Dollar Tree so the children could go shopping. They’ve done this for many years and look forward to the freedom that is afforded them as they make their own lists, money, and move around the store without being right next to a grown up (expect for Rachel and Zachary at this point I still don’t feel comfortable have them out of my sight). I’ve never done this with them and once I got over my neat freak tendencies (there was stuff every where, floor, wrong aisles, busted open packages, etcetera) I enjoyed watching the children move up and down the aisles thinking of others.

Back home the tree was sitting in the driveway just as the shop owner promised (that’s right even delivered for $15!). It was very cold outside (19 degrees) which may seem normal winter temperatures to some but for us that is very cold. I really didn’t want to go back outside and get the tree ready for the stand but how could I say no to those little faces?

Outside we went while J.D. made dinner and after some challenges with the stand (or just an overtired dad) the tree was up. After dinner, I sat down in the recliner and that was it, Dad was done and bed time couldn’t come soon enough for me.

Now, the question from the children, “What are we going to do tomorrow?” That question annoys me because after they go to bed there is still a lot of today left for me. Tonight, I reflected on it with more patience. I get it Lord, a perfect example of another reason why we must become like little children, always expectant of the new day full of wonder and hope.