Even more abundantly blessed this father's day than just one year ago!
My favorite quote on large familes comes from a man that lived over 350 years ago …
I remember a great man coming into my house at Waltham; and, seeing all my children standing in the order of their age and size, he said, "These are what make rich men poor." But I gave him this answer, "No, my lord, these are what make a poor man rich; for there is not one of these we would part with for all your wealth." Joseph Hall 1574-1656
I feel immeasurably blessed to have 8 children call me dad today! I am truly rich!!
When I hear the song in the video below I am reminded of how fast my children are growing up and the short window of time that I have to influence them and in doing so impact in some way all the generations that follow.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Joy and Sadness strange companions . . .
Today I feel joyous, hopeful and overwhelmingly saddened all at once. Melissa and members of her family are packing up the house in Maine and I just got the pictures of what that looks like. A picture is worth a thousands words. Seeing the house “staged” to be sold and seeing so many boxes of their life in Maine gives me just a glimpse of what she, the children, her family and friends are feeling at this time.
The pictures vividly bring to mind the sacrifices they are making in moving to Georgia. The house they’ve known, the town and surrounding area Melissa grew up in that virtually all her family lives in or near, just to name a few. We are confident in where God is leading our families but like most times of great change and growth it isn’t pain free.
The physical and emotional changes will become more drastic and prominent here in Georgia soon as we make way for our family of six to grow to ten.
Please continue to pray for us and our extended families during this emotionally charged time in our lives. God is good all the time, not just when life feels good.
The pictures vividly bring to mind the sacrifices they are making in moving to Georgia. The house they’ve known, the town and surrounding area Melissa grew up in that virtually all her family lives in or near, just to name a few. We are confident in where God is leading our families but like most times of great change and growth it isn’t pain free.
The physical and emotional changes will become more drastic and prominent here in Georgia soon as we make way for our family of six to grow to ten.
Please continue to pray for us and our extended families during this emotionally charged time in our lives. God is good all the time, not just when life feels good.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
How do the children in Maine feel about their mother marrying?
I want to share with you now a little glimpse onto the steep and winding road that my children in Maine have walked since they last were able to run into the arms of their dad. I’m overwhelmed when I think of the friendship God brought to Melissa and me as it is born out of great pain and suffering. My heart breaks when I think of what our children have endured in the loss of their parents at such young ages.
I’m not swayed however, I’m certain God has a plan for each of our lives and the joining of these two families is part of that plan. God is our strong tower, a mighty fortress! The winds of difficulty and hardship have shaped and changed us but I rest knowing it was under His ever present watch.
I love you Melissa, Noah, Eli and Annie.
The following is from Melissa and the children and will give you a small glimpse into their walk over the past few years and how they feel about our two families becoming one.
Flashback to June 9, 2006
I am lying in the bed with my boys, Noah and Eli snuggled in on each shoulder. One year old Annie Grace is long since asleep thanks to the loving care of my mother. I have shed more tears in this day than I ever thought was humanly possible. I am empty. It is surreal; surely I will wake up soon and this will all have been a nightmare, just a really horrific bad dream, a mistake or maybe someone else’s life.
Just 24 hours earlier, I lay in this same bed with my husband his arm draped around me and a smile on my face as I thought of how I was living the life I wanted; my best friend by my side and my babies down the hall.
Now he is gone from our presence until the Lord decides to take us all home. At that moment I wish He would, it would be so much easier than this. We are all crying - Eli age 4, Noah age 6 and me 30 years old. I met Scott at 15. I loved him for half of my life. Lost in my thoughts, Eli asks, “Mom, who is gonna be our Daddy now?” With whispering voice, as that is all I can muster , I reassure him that no one will ever take his Daddy’s place and that we will have to lean and trust on our heavenly Father more than we ever have before. I tell him that Daddy will always be in his heart and that maybe someday God will bring us another Daddy here on earth but until that time we can be thankful for our Grandpas, Uncles and all the men at church who will love and do “guy” stuff with us. It is a question I will be asked many more times through the days and years ahead. It doesn’t take long, maybe a few weeks and the boys begin praying, “God, please take care of Daddy in heaven and please send us a new Daddy.”
Over time, we fall into a prayer that goes like this: “Please, God, send us a new Daddy. One that will be Mommy’s best friend, will want to hear our Daddy stories, and who loves you most of all.” I pray this prayer almost every single night first with Annie and then with the boys. If I forget Annie reminds me and we tag it on the end of our prayers. Sometimes it is just part of what we pray other times it rips my heart in two to think this is my children’s normal.
February 2009, one night after praying this prayer yet again, Annie says to me: “Momma, why hasn’t God sent me a Daddy yet?” In tears and with thick voice, I tell her, “I don’t know Annie. But I think it is because He is getting the new Daddy ready for us and us ready for the new Daddy.” It is all I can say, later in my own prayers I beg God to bring this little girl a Daddy before she tires of asking.
March 2009 I am talking on the phone to Darren and the children are underfoot pulling at me to read bedtime stories. I get off the phone with Darren and call a family meeting. As we all pile on Annie’s bed I say, “Do you guys want a new Daddy?” They simultaneously shout “Yes!” I proceed to tell them that I believe that Darren is going to be that Daddy. Noah practically shouts, “Oh, Mom, I was wishing he could be the one!” We spend the next few minutes talking about what this news means for our family. I explain to them how I feel about Darren and the children. Noah, Eli, and Annie are so excited they are bouncing the bed up and down.
Over the days and weeks that follow they wait in anticipation for the “question” to be asked. On more than one occasion they say to me, “Mom, can’t you just ask him to marry you?!” On April 12, 2009 they have tangible proof in the form of an engagement ring on their Mom’s finger that they have a new Daddy. Their prayers have been answered. Every time they twirl or look at the ring on my finger I remind them…“This means you have a Daddy again.” The best part is not only do they get a Daddy but 5 brothers and sisters! Their feelings about that would take another whole post, but a quick summary would be that Darren and I know we are blessed beyond measure and these children are firmly rooted in each other’s hearts.
Final note: I am thankful to report that our prayers now go like this: “Thank you, God for sending us a new Daddy. Thank you for JD, Hannah, Matthew, Rachel and Zachary. Please help us to knit our families so tightly together that nothing could tear us apart.”
I just read the story above to Noah, Eli and Annie for their approval to share with all of you … Their response was, “Tell people! … We love our new Dad!”
I’m not swayed however, I’m certain God has a plan for each of our lives and the joining of these two families is part of that plan. God is our strong tower, a mighty fortress! The winds of difficulty and hardship have shaped and changed us but I rest knowing it was under His ever present watch.
I love you Melissa, Noah, Eli and Annie.
The following is from Melissa and the children and will give you a small glimpse into their walk over the past few years and how they feel about our two families becoming one.
Flashback to June 9, 2006
I am lying in the bed with my boys, Noah and Eli snuggled in on each shoulder. One year old Annie Grace is long since asleep thanks to the loving care of my mother. I have shed more tears in this day than I ever thought was humanly possible. I am empty. It is surreal; surely I will wake up soon and this will all have been a nightmare, just a really horrific bad dream, a mistake or maybe someone else’s life.
Just 24 hours earlier, I lay in this same bed with my husband his arm draped around me and a smile on my face as I thought of how I was living the life I wanted; my best friend by my side and my babies down the hall.
Now he is gone from our presence until the Lord decides to take us all home. At that moment I wish He would, it would be so much easier than this. We are all crying - Eli age 4, Noah age 6 and me 30 years old. I met Scott at 15. I loved him for half of my life. Lost in my thoughts, Eli asks, “Mom, who is gonna be our Daddy now?” With whispering voice, as that is all I can muster , I reassure him that no one will ever take his Daddy’s place and that we will have to lean and trust on our heavenly Father more than we ever have before. I tell him that Daddy will always be in his heart and that maybe someday God will bring us another Daddy here on earth but until that time we can be thankful for our Grandpas, Uncles and all the men at church who will love and do “guy” stuff with us. It is a question I will be asked many more times through the days and years ahead. It doesn’t take long, maybe a few weeks and the boys begin praying, “God, please take care of Daddy in heaven and please send us a new Daddy.”
Over time, we fall into a prayer that goes like this: “Please, God, send us a new Daddy. One that will be Mommy’s best friend, will want to hear our Daddy stories, and who loves you most of all.” I pray this prayer almost every single night first with Annie and then with the boys. If I forget Annie reminds me and we tag it on the end of our prayers. Sometimes it is just part of what we pray other times it rips my heart in two to think this is my children’s normal.
February 2009, one night after praying this prayer yet again, Annie says to me: “Momma, why hasn’t God sent me a Daddy yet?” In tears and with thick voice, I tell her, “I don’t know Annie. But I think it is because He is getting the new Daddy ready for us and us ready for the new Daddy.” It is all I can say, later in my own prayers I beg God to bring this little girl a Daddy before she tires of asking.
March 2009 I am talking on the phone to Darren and the children are underfoot pulling at me to read bedtime stories. I get off the phone with Darren and call a family meeting. As we all pile on Annie’s bed I say, “Do you guys want a new Daddy?” They simultaneously shout “Yes!” I proceed to tell them that I believe that Darren is going to be that Daddy. Noah practically shouts, “Oh, Mom, I was wishing he could be the one!” We spend the next few minutes talking about what this news means for our family. I explain to them how I feel about Darren and the children. Noah, Eli, and Annie are so excited they are bouncing the bed up and down.
Over the days and weeks that follow they wait in anticipation for the “question” to be asked. On more than one occasion they say to me, “Mom, can’t you just ask him to marry you?!” On April 12, 2009 they have tangible proof in the form of an engagement ring on their Mom’s finger that they have a new Daddy. Their prayers have been answered. Every time they twirl or look at the ring on my finger I remind them…“This means you have a Daddy again.” The best part is not only do they get a Daddy but 5 brothers and sisters! Their feelings about that would take another whole post, but a quick summary would be that Darren and I know we are blessed beyond measure and these children are firmly rooted in each other’s hearts.
Final note: I am thankful to report that our prayers now go like this: “Thank you, God for sending us a new Daddy. Thank you for JD, Hannah, Matthew, Rachel and Zachary. Please help us to knit our families so tightly together that nothing could tear us apart.”
I just read the story above to Noah, Eli and Annie for their approval to share with all of you … Their response was, “Tell people! … We love our new Dad!”
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Timing and Mother’s Day
In the time that has passed since the last posting, Melissa and I have received a variety of responses.
Most responses have been joyous and uplifting, others thought provoking and some very hurtful and not well thought out. Has it been long enough? Do you think you are rushing things? EHarmony? How many children? Maine? I could go on but I think you get the point. Anything I say will most likely look like I’m trying to defend our actions and that is not the desire of my heart.
We both value wise counsel and invite all to lovingly and prayerfully speak to us. We’re not looking only for a pat on the back and a congratulations. We want people to speak into our lives and we are listening. I do ask that you think before you speak though. I also ask that as often as you think of us that you lift us up in prayer.
Before I continue the story of our meeting and the events that lead us to where we are now I want to dedicate the balance of this post to answering the most common question I receive, “How do the children feel about Melissa?” The quick answer is they love her. Now let me tell you how their hearts have been being prepared to love her and their new brothers and sister.
To best answer the question, I need to take you back to May 25, 2005. Karen and I had just received the devastating news of terminal cancer. We came home gathered the children into the family room and immediately told them. As you can imagine there were a variety of emotions. Hannah (then 8 years old) asked a question that really annoyed me at the time, “Dad, if mom dies will you get married again?”
It was unfathomable to me at the time and I was incredulous that was the only question she could think to ask after hearing such devastating news. Many times since then I’ve come to deeply appreciate Hannah’s approach to life.
Timeline – The children were ages 9, 8, 6, 3, 1.
Approximately three weeks before Karen was called Home we sat in our family room in similar seating arrangements as 2 ½ years earlier. Karen spoke to all of us with sacrificial words that still move me to tears. She told the children that she wasn’t sure she would be allowed to stay with us as long as she wanted. She told them she wanted to be with them as they grew and to experience life with them. Then calling each of them by name she expressed her love but told them that her love paled in comparison to God’s love for them.
Her next words tore my heart open, “… if God calls me Home, then there is a reason I’m not supposed to be here as you grow up. There are experiences you are destined to have and lessons to learn that you won’t as long as I’m here”. This was the only time I ever heard her address the children in that way.
Timeline – The children were ages 12, 10, 8, 6, 4.
It was the very late hours of October 28, 2007. We had just said goodbye to Karen’s body and the many family and friends that had gathered at the hospital. We were in the van still in the hospital parking lot when J.D. turns to me and asked “Dad how long do you think it will be before you marry again?”
I was blown away, but looking at him I knew he expected an answer. Wow, J.D. couldn’t you start with a little bit lighter question like who is going to care for us while you work?
Then I looked back at the other children and asked, “Who else has a question?” Hannah and Matthew replied almost in unison, “Actually Dad we were wondering the same thing.”
Sensing another avoidance answer coming Rachel said “You know Dad you really shouldn’t ask if we have any questions if you are not going to answer them.”
Ouch, a wise correction from the 6 year old. So I answered the question the only way I knew how. Choking back emotion, I explained that my best friend just died and I couldn’t even begin to think of another person in that role but in time if God wanted me to marry again I would keep my heart open.
In the weeks that followed Karen’s celebration of life it became crystal clear how much she talked with them, preparing them in case of her death, always encouraging them and stressing the sovereignty of God.
For the first months, nearly every time J.D. would lean in and give me a hug or see me crying he would say Mom always told us that you would be really sad if she died before you did and asked us to take good care of you and give extra hugs and kisses. True to their mothers wishes they began taking care of me as much as I was taking care of them. From the night she died they began thanking God for healing Karen and shortly after at least one of them would pray that God would bring another mother into their lives.
Just a few months after Karen’s passing Rachel said she had decided what we should call the next woman in our lives. Because of my life experiences the term “step” as in step mother, father, brother, etcetera sends chills down my spine. Rachel, knowing this said we should simply call her our second mother. We volleyed this idea around the dinner table and decided that if and when God put another special woman in our lives that her title would be second mother, not step mother.
When I told the children where I felt I was being led to take my relationship with Melissa they were overjoyed. Like Karen’s healing, Melissa is an answer to their prayers.
Timeline – The children are ages 13, 12, 10, 7, 5.
I’m overwhelmed when I think of the way Karen mothered our children and how we are still benefiting from her wisdom and sacrificial love for us.
Wrapping up this post, I hope I have made it clear that thanks largely to Karen’s sacrificial teaching and words my marrying isn’t foreign to them in the least and the children enter the relationship with Melissa, Noah, Eli and Annie with hearts wide open.
So on this day filled with mixed emotions we fondly say to the second mother in our lives,
Happy Mother’s Day Melissa, we love you.
Most responses have been joyous and uplifting, others thought provoking and some very hurtful and not well thought out. Has it been long enough? Do you think you are rushing things? EHarmony? How many children? Maine? I could go on but I think you get the point. Anything I say will most likely look like I’m trying to defend our actions and that is not the desire of my heart.
We both value wise counsel and invite all to lovingly and prayerfully speak to us. We’re not looking only for a pat on the back and a congratulations. We want people to speak into our lives and we are listening. I do ask that you think before you speak though. I also ask that as often as you think of us that you lift us up in prayer.
Before I continue the story of our meeting and the events that lead us to where we are now I want to dedicate the balance of this post to answering the most common question I receive, “How do the children feel about Melissa?” The quick answer is they love her. Now let me tell you how their hearts have been being prepared to love her and their new brothers and sister.
To best answer the question, I need to take you back to May 25, 2005. Karen and I had just received the devastating news of terminal cancer. We came home gathered the children into the family room and immediately told them. As you can imagine there were a variety of emotions. Hannah (then 8 years old) asked a question that really annoyed me at the time, “Dad, if mom dies will you get married again?”
It was unfathomable to me at the time and I was incredulous that was the only question she could think to ask after hearing such devastating news. Many times since then I’ve come to deeply appreciate Hannah’s approach to life.
Timeline – The children were ages 9, 8, 6, 3, 1.
Approximately three weeks before Karen was called Home we sat in our family room in similar seating arrangements as 2 ½ years earlier. Karen spoke to all of us with sacrificial words that still move me to tears. She told the children that she wasn’t sure she would be allowed to stay with us as long as she wanted. She told them she wanted to be with them as they grew and to experience life with them. Then calling each of them by name she expressed her love but told them that her love paled in comparison to God’s love for them.
Her next words tore my heart open, “… if God calls me Home, then there is a reason I’m not supposed to be here as you grow up. There are experiences you are destined to have and lessons to learn that you won’t as long as I’m here”. This was the only time I ever heard her address the children in that way.
Timeline – The children were ages 12, 10, 8, 6, 4.
It was the very late hours of October 28, 2007. We had just said goodbye to Karen’s body and the many family and friends that had gathered at the hospital. We were in the van still in the hospital parking lot when J.D. turns to me and asked “Dad how long do you think it will be before you marry again?”
I was blown away, but looking at him I knew he expected an answer. Wow, J.D. couldn’t you start with a little bit lighter question like who is going to care for us while you work?
Then I looked back at the other children and asked, “Who else has a question?” Hannah and Matthew replied almost in unison, “Actually Dad we were wondering the same thing.”
Sensing another avoidance answer coming Rachel said “You know Dad you really shouldn’t ask if we have any questions if you are not going to answer them.”
Ouch, a wise correction from the 6 year old. So I answered the question the only way I knew how. Choking back emotion, I explained that my best friend just died and I couldn’t even begin to think of another person in that role but in time if God wanted me to marry again I would keep my heart open.
In the weeks that followed Karen’s celebration of life it became crystal clear how much she talked with them, preparing them in case of her death, always encouraging them and stressing the sovereignty of God.
For the first months, nearly every time J.D. would lean in and give me a hug or see me crying he would say Mom always told us that you would be really sad if she died before you did and asked us to take good care of you and give extra hugs and kisses. True to their mothers wishes they began taking care of me as much as I was taking care of them. From the night she died they began thanking God for healing Karen and shortly after at least one of them would pray that God would bring another mother into their lives.
Just a few months after Karen’s passing Rachel said she had decided what we should call the next woman in our lives. Because of my life experiences the term “step” as in step mother, father, brother, etcetera sends chills down my spine. Rachel, knowing this said we should simply call her our second mother. We volleyed this idea around the dinner table and decided that if and when God put another special woman in our lives that her title would be second mother, not step mother.
When I told the children where I felt I was being led to take my relationship with Melissa they were overjoyed. Like Karen’s healing, Melissa is an answer to their prayers.
Timeline – The children are ages 13, 12, 10, 7, 5.
I’m overwhelmed when I think of the way Karen mothered our children and how we are still benefiting from her wisdom and sacrificial love for us.
Wrapping up this post, I hope I have made it clear that thanks largely to Karen’s sacrificial teaching and words my marrying isn’t foreign to them in the least and the children enter the relationship with Melissa, Noah, Eli and Annie with hearts wide open.
So on this day filled with mixed emotions we fondly say to the second mother in our lives,
Happy Mother’s Day Melissa, we love you.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Slowly all of a sudden … part I
God has answered my deepest and most often prayed prayer. I know I will again have a best friend, help meet and the children will have a mother who will love them as if she gave birth to them herself. Once I laid down all my expectations, absolutes and opened my heart, God met my doubting Thomas and gave me the neon light I needed.
WOW – This is the first I’ve heard. That’s quick isn’t it?
No and yes. Let me take you back to the beginning.
January 10, 2008 – March 7, 2009
I’m going to ask everyone to strap in for the updates that will follow. The first date above reflects when I met a lady named Melissa and began a friendship. The dash in between the dates is the time we spent building our friendship. The last date is the day I met Melissa and knew this was the woman with whom I was to spend the rest of my life. If you are confused, hopefully it will become clearer as you read on.
Who is Melissa?
I can’t really find the words to do Melissa justice but she is an awesome mother of three precious children who has spent nearly 3 years as a widow. She loves the Lord, lives in Maine and is just crazy enough to be my friend.
I’m certain some will read this and the updates that follow and think yeah right, “just friends”, but that is exactly what we were when the Isherwood family headed north to finally meet the Hill family in March.
How did you meet her?
You better sit down for this explanation, especially those who really know my tortoise “Steady Eddy” somewhat boring predictable personality. As you’ll read in a later post my remarrying became a topic of conversation shortly after Karen’s passing. The children wanted to know how I would meet someone, how would I know, what is courting and how long would that take? At one point I remember telling them there isn’t a “mommy store” that I can go to and just pick a mother up and bring her home.
A friend of mine from work who also lost his wife and best friend just a few months before Karen passed encouraged me to try about eHarmony. Initially I laughed out loud at the thought all the while thinking to myself there is no way I’m going to do that! Then I learned that a couple from church met that way and the ick factor dropped a bit.
I spent some weeks praying about it and felt released to join eHarmony for one month only. I did just that. I learned so much about so many things in that one month. It was a safe place to get to know like minded people all the while asking questions that would normally take a great deal of relationship building in order to accomplish. I was grieved with how many hurting people there are in our society due to divorce but that’s a topic for another venue.
My time on eHarmony allowed me to form “the list”. I had a list before Karen but I was young, still finding my place and career, had no children and everything I owned fit in the trunk of my car with room to spare. The list grew by the day. On some levels it was frustrating because the list severely limited the relationships I could freely (in good conscience) pursue but mostly it was comforting.
I was blessed to meet some really wonderful Christian ladies. I explored those friendships and despite some mistakes on my part (emotionally) I'm thankful to be able to remain friends with them. I never had true peace that these friendships could become something more and should have done a better job listening to God.
The profile that really sent me to my knees was that of a widow in Maine. I instantly identified with her on many levels. I have her permission to share some of the information in her profile that immediately spoke to my heart. A widow at 30 years old with 3 precious children who at over 1,500 miles away was way off “the list” (due to the distance), even still because of one statement in her profile I felt like I just had to get to know her.
“Joy is a conscious decision I make everyday.”
Knowing the pain I was feeling and imagined she was feeling at the loss of her husband that statement really grabbed my attention.
Just 19 days after I met her my membership was coming to end and I sent her this letter.
Dear Melissa,
As you know, I signed up for eHarmony for one month. I wanted to see where people my age (or near my age) were in life. EHarmony has done exactly what I hoped. It has helped me to clearly define what I’m looking for in a mate and emboldened me to ask direct questions I wouldn’t have normally asked a single woman.
The month will be over on January 29, 2008 and I will not renew. Thank you for spending your time allowing me to get know you a little better. I’m praying about how and if to continue communicating with you, the miles between us and our extremely busy lives. I want to know you so much deeper than I do now. At the same time, I’m going to continue to pray that God will bring a Christian man after His own heart into your life granting you the desires of your heart.
To that end, please don’t take my leaving eHarmony to signal I think you should. Please stay at the feet of God and do what you feel led to do. If its God’s will, I will meet you there.
Your brother in Christ,
Darren
A short time later we were speaking on the phone and agreed to continue our relationship at a friend level to simply be our own support group and encourage each other through phone calls, emails and letters. That is exactly what we did for the next 13 months.
Our families prayed for one another, Melissa and I laughed and cried together about the walk of widow/er hood and all that entails. Talking together in our “cone of safety” where we could rage, sorrow, encourage and be encouraged. We discussed the desires of our heart in marrying again, children, child rearing, exchanged small family gifts and bits and pieces of ourselves that no one else could truly get unless they’ve walked the road we’re on. We had and have our own little club.
Again, you may not believe this given what you will read in the posts to come but we were simply really good friends who had never met each other in person but were living largely parallel lives over 1,500 miles apart.
I’m deeply grateful to God for putting Melissa in my life 14 months ago. I look forward to a lifetime with her. When I first met her (online) 1,500 miles seemed like the end of the earth, when I actually met her (in person) 1,500 miles seemed like next door.
I will continue our story soon.
WOW – This is the first I’ve heard. That’s quick isn’t it?
No and yes. Let me take you back to the beginning.
January 10, 2008 – March 7, 2009
I’m going to ask everyone to strap in for the updates that will follow. The first date above reflects when I met a lady named Melissa and began a friendship. The dash in between the dates is the time we spent building our friendship. The last date is the day I met Melissa and knew this was the woman with whom I was to spend the rest of my life. If you are confused, hopefully it will become clearer as you read on.
Who is Melissa?
I can’t really find the words to do Melissa justice but she is an awesome mother of three precious children who has spent nearly 3 years as a widow. She loves the Lord, lives in Maine and is just crazy enough to be my friend.
I’m certain some will read this and the updates that follow and think yeah right, “just friends”, but that is exactly what we were when the Isherwood family headed north to finally meet the Hill family in March.
How did you meet her?
You better sit down for this explanation, especially those who really know my tortoise “Steady Eddy” somewhat boring predictable personality. As you’ll read in a later post my remarrying became a topic of conversation shortly after Karen’s passing. The children wanted to know how I would meet someone, how would I know, what is courting and how long would that take? At one point I remember telling them there isn’t a “mommy store” that I can go to and just pick a mother up and bring her home.
A friend of mine from work who also lost his wife and best friend just a few months before Karen passed encouraged me to try about eHarmony. Initially I laughed out loud at the thought all the while thinking to myself there is no way I’m going to do that! Then I learned that a couple from church met that way and the ick factor dropped a bit.
I spent some weeks praying about it and felt released to join eHarmony for one month only. I did just that. I learned so much about so many things in that one month. It was a safe place to get to know like minded people all the while asking questions that would normally take a great deal of relationship building in order to accomplish. I was grieved with how many hurting people there are in our society due to divorce but that’s a topic for another venue.
My time on eHarmony allowed me to form “the list”. I had a list before Karen but I was young, still finding my place and career, had no children and everything I owned fit in the trunk of my car with room to spare. The list grew by the day. On some levels it was frustrating because the list severely limited the relationships I could freely (in good conscience) pursue but mostly it was comforting.
I was blessed to meet some really wonderful Christian ladies. I explored those friendships and despite some mistakes on my part (emotionally) I'm thankful to be able to remain friends with them. I never had true peace that these friendships could become something more and should have done a better job listening to God.
The profile that really sent me to my knees was that of a widow in Maine. I instantly identified with her on many levels. I have her permission to share some of the information in her profile that immediately spoke to my heart. A widow at 30 years old with 3 precious children who at over 1,500 miles away was way off “the list” (due to the distance), even still because of one statement in her profile I felt like I just had to get to know her.
“Joy is a conscious decision I make everyday.”
Knowing the pain I was feeling and imagined she was feeling at the loss of her husband that statement really grabbed my attention.
Just 19 days after I met her my membership was coming to end and I sent her this letter.
Dear Melissa,
As you know, I signed up for eHarmony for one month. I wanted to see where people my age (or near my age) were in life. EHarmony has done exactly what I hoped. It has helped me to clearly define what I’m looking for in a mate and emboldened me to ask direct questions I wouldn’t have normally asked a single woman.
The month will be over on January 29, 2008 and I will not renew. Thank you for spending your time allowing me to get know you a little better. I’m praying about how and if to continue communicating with you, the miles between us and our extremely busy lives. I want to know you so much deeper than I do now. At the same time, I’m going to continue to pray that God will bring a Christian man after His own heart into your life granting you the desires of your heart.
To that end, please don’t take my leaving eHarmony to signal I think you should. Please stay at the feet of God and do what you feel led to do. If its God’s will, I will meet you there.
Your brother in Christ,
Darren
A short time later we were speaking on the phone and agreed to continue our relationship at a friend level to simply be our own support group and encourage each other through phone calls, emails and letters. That is exactly what we did for the next 13 months.
Our families prayed for one another, Melissa and I laughed and cried together about the walk of widow/er hood and all that entails. Talking together in our “cone of safety” where we could rage, sorrow, encourage and be encouraged. We discussed the desires of our heart in marrying again, children, child rearing, exchanged small family gifts and bits and pieces of ourselves that no one else could truly get unless they’ve walked the road we’re on. We had and have our own little club.
Again, you may not believe this given what you will read in the posts to come but we were simply really good friends who had never met each other in person but were living largely parallel lives over 1,500 miles apart.
I’m deeply grateful to God for putting Melissa in my life 14 months ago. I look forward to a lifetime with her. When I first met her (online) 1,500 miles seemed like the end of the earth, when I actually met her (in person) 1,500 miles seemed like next door.
I will continue our story soon.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sorry for the time that has passed since the last posting. I didn’t intend to leave you hanging but my computer got a worm on April 1 and let me tell you there was no (April fools) joke about it! I’m just now getting it back up and running and catching up on paying bills, etcetera. I will post tomorrow.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
It absolutely amazes me as to what God will do with a completely willing vessel and moldable clay. My last post was a reflection of where my heart had been arriving for many months, laying down my life to what God wants for me and the children rather than how I think it should all work out. As a planner, I don’t always handle ambiguity well. As a doubting Thomas, sometimes I need God to virtually walk up and knock me over the head with proof as to why I should go where He is leading me.
So much has happened in my life since I last posted that my obsessive compulsive brain has struggled as to how to share it. I still plan to be sporadic with the posts with no absolute discernible order or at least as sporadic as I can wrap my brain around, but what I want to communicate today is God has answered my deepest and most often prayed prayer. I know I will again have a best friend, help meet and the children will have a mother who will love them as if she gave birth to them herself. Once I laid down all my expectations, absolutes and opened my heart, God met my doubting Thomas and gave me the neon light I needed. I look forward to sharing the many stories that brought me there in future posts.
Even as my heart brims over with hope and feelings I never thought I would have again the heaviness of life still swirls around me and those I love. I’ve watched as a beloved neighbor and friend who has prostate cancer has gone from having the ability to mow his lawn to struggling to walk. I learned that a friend from work who along with a team of others tirelessly raised money to fight cancer and gave generously to our family during our times of greatest need has herself been diagnosed with breast cancer. I am deeply grieved and hopeful simultaneously. I don’t know what the future holds for either of these friends but as Christians I know the story of their lives, however long or short, will end in streets of gold.
I want to close this post by sharing a simple song with you about John 3:16. It was written by a grieving husband who lost his wife. This song has ministered many times to me during my walk as a widower. Yes life is heavy at times for all of us and from our perspective bad things happen for inexplicable reasons. As we walk through the valleys of life it is critical to keep an eternal perspective. The worst thing that could happen to any of us is death without salvation from the penalty of sin.
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So much has happened in my life since I last posted that my obsessive compulsive brain has struggled as to how to share it. I still plan to be sporadic with the posts with no absolute discernible order or at least as sporadic as I can wrap my brain around, but what I want to communicate today is God has answered my deepest and most often prayed prayer. I know I will again have a best friend, help meet and the children will have a mother who will love them as if she gave birth to them herself. Once I laid down all my expectations, absolutes and opened my heart, God met my doubting Thomas and gave me the neon light I needed. I look forward to sharing the many stories that brought me there in future posts.
Even as my heart brims over with hope and feelings I never thought I would have again the heaviness of life still swirls around me and those I love. I’ve watched as a beloved neighbor and friend who has prostate cancer has gone from having the ability to mow his lawn to struggling to walk. I learned that a friend from work who along with a team of others tirelessly raised money to fight cancer and gave generously to our family during our times of greatest need has herself been diagnosed with breast cancer. I am deeply grieved and hopeful simultaneously. I don’t know what the future holds for either of these friends but as Christians I know the story of their lives, however long or short, will end in streets of gold.
I want to close this post by sharing a simple song with you about John 3:16. It was written by a grieving husband who lost his wife. This song has ministered many times to me during my walk as a widower. Yes life is heavy at times for all of us and from our perspective bad things happen for inexplicable reasons. As we walk through the valleys of life it is critical to keep an eternal perspective. The worst thing that could happen to any of us is death without salvation from the penalty of sin.
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