Timing and Mother’s Day

In the time that has passed since the last posting, Melissa and I have received a variety of responses.

Most responses have been joyous and uplifting, others thought provoking and some very hurtful and not well thought out. Has it been long enough? Do you think you are rushing things? EHarmony? How many children? Maine? I could go on but I think you get the point. Anything I say will most likely look like I’m trying to defend our actions and that is not the desire of my heart.

We both value wise counsel and invite all to lovingly and prayerfully speak to us. We’re not looking only for a pat on the back and a congratulations. We want people to speak into our lives and we are listening. I do ask that you think before you speak though. I also ask that as often as you think of us that you lift us up in prayer.

Before I continue the story of our meeting and the events that lead us to where we are now I want to dedicate the balance of this post to answering the most common question I receive, “How do the children feel about Melissa?” The quick answer is they love her. Now let me tell you how their hearts have been being prepared to love her and their new brothers and sister.

To best answer the question, I need to take you back to May 25, 2005. Karen and I had just received the devastating news of terminal cancer. We came home gathered the children into the family room and immediately told them. As you can imagine there were a variety of emotions. Hannah (then 8 years old) asked a question that really annoyed me at the time, “Dad, if mom dies will you get married again?”

It was unfathomable to me at the time and I was incredulous that was the only question she could think to ask after hearing such devastating news. Many times since then I’ve come to deeply appreciate Hannah’s approach to life.

Timeline – The children were ages 9, 8, 6, 3, 1.

Approximately three weeks before Karen was called Home we sat in our family room in similar seating arrangements as 2 ½ years earlier. Karen spoke to all of us with sacrificial words that still move me to tears. She told the children that she wasn’t sure she would be allowed to stay with us as long as she wanted. She told them she wanted to be with them as they grew and to experience life with them. Then calling each of them by name she expressed her love but told them that her love paled in comparison to God’s love for them.

Her next words tore my heart open, “… if God calls me Home, then there is a reason I’m not supposed to be here as you grow up. There are experiences you are destined to have and lessons to learn that you won’t as long as I’m here”. This was the only time I ever heard her address the children in that way.

Timeline – The children were ages 12, 10, 8, 6, 4.

It was the very late hours of October 28, 2007. We had just said goodbye to Karen’s body and the many family and friends that had gathered at the hospital. We were in the van still in the hospital parking lot when J.D. turns to me and asked “Dad how long do you think it will be before you marry again?”

I was blown away, but looking at him I knew he expected an answer. Wow, J.D. couldn’t you start with a little bit lighter question like who is going to care for us while you work?

Then I looked back at the other children and asked, “Who else has a question?” Hannah and Matthew replied almost in unison, “Actually Dad we were wondering the same thing.”

Sensing another avoidance answer coming Rachel said “You know Dad you really shouldn’t ask if we have any questions if you are not going to answer them.”

Ouch, a wise correction from the 6 year old. So I answered the question the only way I knew how. Choking back emotion, I explained that my best friend just died and I couldn’t even begin to think of another person in that role but in time if God wanted me to marry again I would keep my heart open.

In the weeks that followed Karen’s celebration of life it became crystal clear how much she talked with them, preparing them in case of her death, always encouraging them and stressing the sovereignty of God.

For the first months, nearly every time J.D. would lean in and give me a hug or see me crying he would say Mom always told us that you would be really sad if she died before you did and asked us to take good care of you and give extra hugs and kisses. True to their mothers wishes they began taking care of me as much as I was taking care of them. From the night she died they began thanking God for healing Karen and shortly after at least one of them would pray that God would bring another mother into their lives.

Just a few months after Karen’s passing Rachel said she had decided what we should call the next woman in our lives. Because of my life experiences the term “step” as in step mother, father, brother, etcetera sends chills down my spine. Rachel, knowing this said we should simply call her our second mother. We volleyed this idea around the dinner table and decided that if and when God put another special woman in our lives that her title would be second mother, not step mother.

When I told the children where I felt I was being led to take my relationship with Melissa they were overjoyed. Like Karen’s healing, Melissa is an answer to their prayers.

Timeline – The children are ages 13, 12, 10, 7, 5.

I’m overwhelmed when I think of the way Karen mothered our children and how we are still benefiting from her wisdom and sacrificial love for us.

Wrapping up this post, I hope I have made it clear that thanks largely to Karen’s sacrificial teaching and words my marrying isn’t foreign to them in the least and the children enter the relationship with Melissa, Noah, Eli and Annie with hearts wide open.

So on this day filled with mixed emotions we fondly say to the second mother in our lives,
Happy Mother’s Day Melissa, we love you.