God has answered my deepest and most often prayed prayer. I know I will again have a best friend, help meet and the children will have a mother who will love them as if she gave birth to them herself. Once I laid down all my expectations, absolutes and opened my heart, God met my doubting Thomas and gave me the neon light I needed.
WOW – This is the first I’ve heard. That’s quick isn’t it?
No and yes. Let me take you back to the beginning.
January 10, 2008 – March 7, 2009
I’m going to ask everyone to strap in for the updates that will follow. The first date above reflects when I met a lady named Melissa and began a friendship. The dash in between the dates is the time we spent building our friendship. The last date is the day I met Melissa and knew this was the woman with whom I was to spend the rest of my life. If you are confused, hopefully it will become clearer as you read on.
Who is Melissa?
I can’t really find the words to do Melissa justice but she is an awesome mother of three precious children who has spent nearly 3 years as a widow. She loves the Lord, lives in Maine and is just crazy enough to be my friend.
I’m certain some will read this and the updates that follow and think yeah right, “just friends”, but that is exactly what we were when the Isherwood family headed north to finally meet the Hill family in March.
How did you meet her?
You better sit down for this explanation, especially those who really know my tortoise “Steady Eddy” somewhat boring predictable personality. As you’ll read in a later post my remarrying became a topic of conversation shortly after Karen’s passing. The children wanted to know how I would meet someone, how would I know, what is courting and how long would that take? At one point I remember telling them there isn’t a “mommy store” that I can go to and just pick a mother up and bring her home.
A friend of mine from work who also lost his wife and best friend just a few months before Karen passed encouraged me to try about eHarmony. Initially I laughed out loud at the thought all the while thinking to myself there is no way I’m going to do that! Then I learned that a couple from church met that way and the ick factor dropped a bit.
I spent some weeks praying about it and felt released to join eHarmony for one month only. I did just that. I learned so much about so many things in that one month. It was a safe place to get to know like minded people all the while asking questions that would normally take a great deal of relationship building in order to accomplish. I was grieved with how many hurting people there are in our society due to divorce but that’s a topic for another venue.
My time on eHarmony allowed me to form “the list”. I had a list before Karen but I was young, still finding my place and career, had no children and everything I owned fit in the trunk of my car with room to spare. The list grew by the day. On some levels it was frustrating because the list severely limited the relationships I could freely (in good conscience) pursue but mostly it was comforting.
I was blessed to meet some really wonderful Christian ladies. I explored those friendships and despite some mistakes on my part (emotionally) I'm thankful to be able to remain friends with them. I never had true peace that these friendships could become something more and should have done a better job listening to God.
The profile that really sent me to my knees was that of a widow in Maine. I instantly identified with her on many levels. I have her permission to share some of the information in her profile that immediately spoke to my heart. A widow at 30 years old with 3 precious children who at over 1,500 miles away was way off “the list” (due to the distance), even still because of one statement in her profile I felt like I just had to get to know her.
“Joy is a conscious decision I make everyday.”
Knowing the pain I was feeling and imagined she was feeling at the loss of her husband that statement really grabbed my attention.
Just 19 days after I met her my membership was coming to end and I sent her this letter.
Dear Melissa,
As you know, I signed up for eHarmony for one month. I wanted to see where people my age (or near my age) were in life. EHarmony has done exactly what I hoped. It has helped me to clearly define what I’m looking for in a mate and emboldened me to ask direct questions I wouldn’t have normally asked a single woman.
The month will be over on January 29, 2008 and I will not renew. Thank you for spending your time allowing me to get know you a little better. I’m praying about how and if to continue communicating with you, the miles between us and our extremely busy lives. I want to know you so much deeper than I do now. At the same time, I’m going to continue to pray that God will bring a Christian man after His own heart into your life granting you the desires of your heart.
To that end, please don’t take my leaving eHarmony to signal I think you should. Please stay at the feet of God and do what you feel led to do. If its God’s will, I will meet you there.
Your brother in Christ,
Darren
A short time later we were speaking on the phone and agreed to continue our relationship at a friend level to simply be our own support group and encourage each other through phone calls, emails and letters. That is exactly what we did for the next 13 months.
Our families prayed for one another, Melissa and I laughed and cried together about the walk of widow/er hood and all that entails. Talking together in our “cone of safety” where we could rage, sorrow, encourage and be encouraged. We discussed the desires of our heart in marrying again, children, child rearing, exchanged small family gifts and bits and pieces of ourselves that no one else could truly get unless they’ve walked the road we’re on. We had and have our own little club.
Again, you may not believe this given what you will read in the posts to come but we were simply really good friends who had never met each other in person but were living largely parallel lives over 1,500 miles apart.
I’m deeply grateful to God for putting Melissa in my life 14 months ago. I look forward to a lifetime with her. When I first met her (online) 1,500 miles seemed like the end of the earth, when I actually met her (in person) 1,500 miles seemed like next door.
I will continue our story soon.
6 comments:
I was once battered by a heartbreaking divorce, and then God sent a wonderful man into my life in a very short time. People who love my children and me were concerned about the timing. 30 happy years later, I can tell you that, as you already know, God's timing is not the same as ours! He has been a wonderful father to my children, and is now a terrific Grandpa! Darren, I wish for you and Melissa a fabulous life together with your children! Karen and Melissa's husband will always be an integral part of your family, as well they should be. May God bless you all!!!
As anonymous said, people were concerned with the timing of her situation. Fortunately, it worked out beautifully. However, with "rushed" situations that is not always the case and being on eHarmony just 2 months after losing the love of your life is more than just a little disconcerting. Your heart and mind were way to vulnerable and I say this from both the prospective of a professional counselor and someone that has lived through serious loss. I urge caution.
Darren, I am so happy for you, Melissa, and all of the children. I know you well enough to know that you bathe everything in prayer before moving forward. Just as was the case with Dad and Miss Mike, the Lord works in mysterious ways, and His timing sometimes seems strange to us. I know that Karen prepared you and the children for this when she was ill, and I know that she would be so happy for you. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers in the coming months. I pray for the Lord's continued wisdom, guidance, timing, peace, and joy as you move forward in life. I love you.
Sarah Gibson
There are a thousand ways that people can meet. And a thousand ways that love can develop. Stories of lightening bolts... or a slow awareness of love dawning.
From my experience (divorced), and the grieving process that started *during* the marriage... I know that I, as a careful, preplanning type person, had my steps listed out. This specific generous amount of time "alone", to heal and recover. "This" process, to consider dating again. "That" amount of time to date before even thinking about engagement (or marriage). And God (with a smile and chuckle), brought someone into my life that I knew in the depths of my being was the person I would marry. And I knew this before I had even met him, or talked to him on the phone, and in a shockingly short amount of time.
It is an unusual story. But it does happen. (And we did marry, by the way!)
And even though our marriage is wonderful, and an absolute blessing from God, that each day confirmed more and more how perfect we are together... the children will not always make as smooth a transition. Blended families are tricky. Or as we say: The marriage is easy. Parenting is the challenge! :)
Do surround decisions with prayer. There will be no "perfect time", where all emotional needs will be met on the part of the children when contemplating the decision to marry. Just as all needs were not emotionally met (in our human wisdom) when your first loves passed away. But God has a plan and a purpose. Seek Him, His wisdom... and He will work it for His glory. Even with rebellious teens who aren't ready for the finality of a parent being "replaced"... or toddlers who easily settle into snuggling with a new parent.
I pray for wisdom and grace, as you and Melissa make decisions that only can be made as parents, as to what is best for you, and what is best for your children. God's grace be with you all.
We have never met, I found Karen's blog through the obituaries in the Newnan-Times. I have followed your blog and have kept you and your family in my prayers. I think it is wonderful that you have found someone. Only God knows what His plan is for each of us. Through Him, all things are possible. I believe that your paths would never have crossed, unless He wanted them too. God Bless You and Melissa and your families. Keep on writing, I know there is more wonderful things in the future for you and your children.
Hi Darren,
I haven't read your newer posts yet (working my way up) but I had to smile at this post. By any chance, were Mike and I the couple from church that had met like this? Either way, we did meet online at a Christian singles site, and the Lord has blessed that meeting!!!! :) I loved your last line, about 1500 miles seeming so far away until it felt like next door. That's exactly how we felt when we met. And soon enough, those miles disappeared and here we are today!
God bless you, and your kids, and Melissa, and hers.
with Christian love,
the Sztanyos
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